I’ve always wanted a secret underground volcano base.
Okay, that’s not quite true: I’ve always loved the idea of having a secret underground volcano base. The problem is, if I was to ever get one, I suspect I’d spend most of my time flailing around demanding to know what the magma’s doing and living in constant fear of being burned alive.
So really what I need is a secret underground extinct volcano base, but that doesn’t sound nearly so cool. I want the rivers of lava… just for them to be rivers of nice, friendly, non-fatal lava.
Or I could just ditch the whole volcano idea altogether because, bizarrely, there aren’t any secret volcano layers for sale, but you can buy a secret under-mountain submarine base!
Isn’t it just fantastic?
There are a couple of flaws. I mean, look at those big empty spaces: you’re going to need a lot of Stuff to fill them up. Some really cool supervillain equipment and lots of supervillain minions and some pretty epic supervillain plans if you’re going to live up to your base. Also, it’d be a bit rubbish to have a whacking great submarine base and no submarine. I don’t have a submarine. I don’t even want a submarine. They go *underwater*. Really, really far underwater. You could drown in one of those things. Also, as I’ve learned from movies, sometimes they’re haunted by angry ghosts. A ghost in a castle is one thing, but being stuck at the bottom of the ocean with one is just silly.
Thinking about it, if I was a supervillain, which I’m not, and if I was I’d be the sort of supervillain who had the sense not to tell the Internet, what I’d really want is an asteroid base. I don’t think NASA knows how to make those yet. I guess that’s another one of those things that’s absolutely, definitely going to happen in The Future, when I’ll also get my jetpack and domed cities on Mars.
…anyone want to lend me 17.5 million dollars? I promise I will let you have first pick of the submarine base office space and you can totally get to be one of the really good minions who doesn’t get offed by the hero until the last act.