An Exciting and Innovative New Way to Rate Horror Films

CW: This post is about dog deaths in films.

A few months ago I finally got over my childhood fear of The Amityville Horror and actually watched it. And I loved it. Then I watched the remake, and hated it with a burning passion in the way many people hate on a remake of a beloved piece of media but which I’m usually meh about because, hey, the original is still there and even if they haven’t seen a thing most people will say the original is better.* But this remake was so bad, and so painful, and so monstrously unfair to the dog both generally and most especially compared to the original that I was, in fact, thoroughly pissed off.

But I’m trying to use anger in a productive way, so did I take to the Internet to vent my completely justified fury? Well, yes, I did. Whoops. However, I also came up with what I now consider the One True Definitive Way to rank horror films. Which was surely a good use of my time. So, I present to you, The Doggo Scale:

Worst horror films, no tasty treats for you

The dog dies. Obviously, I’ve always hated this. It’s never been shocking or scary, only evoking a deep, sighing breath and determination to dislike the film from that point onwards. And The Amityville Horror remake inspired the most sighing I’ve ever done at What Happens To The Dog. Because it went from the beauty of the dog’s story in the original to the dog being a pointless, and very violently killed victim. Meh, I say. Meh, meh, meh. Plenty of other films do this, as I’m sure you know. Smile, sticks in my mind as a film that otherwise scared the crap out of me, but managed to have a truly pointless dog death to disappoint me. Ones that made me particularly sad because I love the film otherwise are The Conjuring, Hereditary, The Babadook, The Witch, and a hearty fuck you to The Thing. Which I do love, but ffs, guys. That’s a lot of dead dogs.

One film will get a pass here: The Hills Have Eyes. Yes, there’s dog death, but also dog heroism, revenge, and survival.

Terrible horror films, I am sad at you and not going to throw that ball again

The dog is injured. You hurt a god, you monsters! But at least you didn’t kill it. So you are merely bad instead of awful. And one day, I will forgive you for making me sad. This doesn’t happen all that often in my viewing experience. The most recent movie I saw where they manage not to descend to the deepest depths was Let Me In.

Decent horror films, yes you can smell all the interesting smell you like on this walk.

There is no dog. May films simply don’t have a dog, so the horrid, miserable tension of What Happens To The Dog just isn’t there. Do all those films that kill the dog need to have that death? Could they not think of a less eye-rolling, cheap way to signal danger? Yes, yes, they could have. Find me a single film where the death of the dog is truly justified. It doesn’t happen.* So Alien is now just a decent horror film. Sorry.

I think perhaps heroic dogs that die might also go here. Maybe. On a good day.

Good horror films, learn and exciting new trick and be rewarded with many tasty treats

The dog is treated with love and affection, and survives or avoids the terror. This is one of the most underappreciated aspects of Get Out. The dog spends the entire film safe and sound and cared for in Chris Washington’s apartment. He’s having a grand old time, completely unaware this his human is in danger, yes, but he’s content and safe. Also appreciated the responsible dog care in Talk To Me where, before the scary séance stuff went down, the dog was put out of the room. This may have made him a sad boy, but he was safe. Other good horrors include: The Green Room (dog owned by Nazis, but that’s not the dog’s fault), Dog Soldiers (a soldier specifically ordered to shoot the dog, but no, he won’t do it! How to instantly get me on the protagonist’s side), Friday the 13th Part 2, and Poltergeist,

Great horror films, who’s the best most good boy in the whole wide world yes, you are!

The dog is a hero (and lives). We cheer them on, we watch in awe and delight as they save their foolish human/s, we celebrate their triumph against evil, and realise they are the true protagonist of the film. The Amityville Horror hit me so hard with emotions about the dog. The finale of this movie had me on the edge of my seat, terrified the family pet was going to snuff it, or had gone evil, and they played with that, but then there was the beautiful realisation by both the lead and the audience that no, the dog was trying to save his human from evil, demonic goo. And he did! He was the hero! I cried. I fucking cried.

Honourable mentions to Prey, where the dog hero faces down a Predator side-by-side with their human, and Krampus where the dog helps save the family by eating murderous gingerbread men. (There are undoubtedly more, (I hope), but these are the three I remember.)

One question you may be asking is where does the killer dog horror fit in? That’s an excellent question, and I’m not really sure. On the one hand, DOG REVENGE! On the other, this means the dog is probably doomed. And on an actual serious note (sorry) the types of dogs that are shown to be Scary and Violent are usually breeds that already have bad reputations and those dogs need better trainers, not to be hated and feared. (How often have you seen a vicious spaniel on the telly?)

In conclusion, I now consider this the perfect way to judge horror films. There are absolutely no flaws in the system.*** Bring me the heroic dogs of horror films! This is what the world of film horror is truly lacking.

*I assume. I’ve done zero research.

**I also assume. And by assume, I will just say it’s unjustified and unnecessary no matter how they do it. I am very good at being an even-handed, objective film critic person.

***There may be flaws.