Oh, you know the type, probably. Maybe. It seems likely if you’re reading this blog, anyway.
That type of fan, if you’re the sort of friend who’s nobly stepped up to try and give them a gift connected with their favourite telly, requires finding a product of such utter tat-ness, such unutterable nonsense, that despite its TARDIS/Dalek/sonic-like shape, they just can’t bring themselves to purchase it for themselves. But, were they to receive it as a gift, they’d be quite delighted. It’s not their fault then! It’s a present! A lovely, lovely present! Hurrah!
Thus, a Handy Gift Guide for the Doctor Who Fan who has Almost Everything:
1) The Doctor Who Commemorative Medal Collection
24 little metal discs with pictures (in colour!) on them, for over one hundred quid! And they can even keep the packaging to display them in and look at them. Perhaps they might get bored gazing at their exquisitely priced bits of steel, in which case they can turn them over and admire the fine lines of the Doctor Who logo on each and every one of them.
2) TARDIS Jumpsuit
If there’s one thing every Doctor Who fan craves (probably), it’s dignity. Delicious tasty dignity. And if there’s one item of Who clothing that is made of dignity, it’s a hooded blue fleecy jumpsuit with TARDIS windows on the front and a giant logo on the back Could anything be more dignified? Yes! There’s a Tenth Doctor one. You can inflict that instead!
…comfort, not dignity, I meant comfort. I bet they are really comfy too.
3) Big Face of Boe T-shirt
There are a terrifying number of Doctor Who t-shirts and, short of a sneaky ninja raid on your friend’s wardrobe, how can you be sure they don’t have the one you’re gifting? After all, they might be keeping them vacuum packed in a big collectible pile of All The T-shirts (mmm, delicious fannish stereotyping; don’t worry, I’m judging myself). Well, even if they already have this one, how can you not want TWO Face of Boe t-shirts. Look! He’s a whacking great big face! On a t-shirt!
4) Sonic Screwdriver Peeler
It’s a vegetable peeler! That looks like a sonic screwdriver! One of an intimidating number of kitchen implements that have a sonic screwdriver handle. Collect them all! …no, don’t. It cannot end well.
5) Milk Creamer
It’s a jug for milk. So, now, when they have a nice cup of tea, they need no longer despair at the lack of TARDIS-themed places from which to pour delicious lactose juice. Splendid!
6) Eleventh Doctor Men’s Slippers
Ah, gender essentialist footwear, but, at least, *subversive* gender essentialist footwear. For many a women’s slipper has bows on it, but how many mens’ slippers get such pretty decorations? Ah, you might say, but those are bowties. Manly, manly bowties. Are they? I ask you. ARE THEY??
7) Doctor Who Air Ball
It’s not just a ball, it’s an air ball …a ball, filled with air! And it’s not just got a Dalek on it; it’s got one of the delightful Victory of the Daleks Skittle Daleks that everyone loves. The description is what sells it, course, throwing and catching, eh? Stunning.
8) Weeping Angel Nightlight
Ah, nightlights, there to help sooth a child (or adult’s) fear of the dark, so what better to light up the scary darkness than a Weeping Angel? Obviously, they missed a trick not to have movable arms, just to make it extra fun for parents.
9) Don’t Blink Boxers
Well then. Yes. Quite. The Tom Baker pants for a new generation, I suppose. Um. Well done, makers of Doctor Who tat, well done.
10) Doctor Who Wallpaper
Kick off an exciting new obsession for your fannish friend, by convincing them their whole house should look like a classic TARDIS interior! What could possibly go wrong?
11) Flesh Goo Pod
Don’t worry, no actual flesh, but plenty of goo. And everyone loves goo. The beauty of this product is that you look at it and think wtf, but then you (by which I mean me) remember that every collector of Doctor Who action figures now has a spare body parts box, and so they’ve already got the perfect space to store Matt Smith’s disembodied limbs.
12) Doctor Who Christmas Jumper
Well, at least Doctor Who has managed to avoid this horrid trend where we pretend awful Christmas jumpers are actually fun and cool and …oh, never mind.
And thus includes my extraordinarily helpful guide. You’re welcome!