Things I Would Do If I Was Falling Into A Black Hole

PANIC.

Stretch. Lots of stretching. Like gum. Or spaghetti. An infinitely long piece of human spaghetti.

Call for help. Then remember that sounds doesn’t travel in a vaccum.

Consider how neat that Stargate episode is, where a black hole attaches to the Stargate and tries to such the Earth through.

Remind myself that Romulans use teeny tiny black holes to power their starships. Romulans are great. Maybe one of them will rescue me.

Regret that I did not bring breathing apparatus.

Freeze.

Wish I’d brought something to protect my eyeballs from freezing.

Wonder if Steve Jackson lied to me when I got my starship home by driving it through a black hole. He probably wasn’t. Steve Jackson wouldn’t lie to a child about black holes.

Watch bijillions of years pass in the universe as relative time slows down. Congratulate myself on how good I look for my eons of age.

Think about that time the Doctor went through a black hole and ended up in a quarry. Hope that the antimatter/parallel/alternate universe I’m undoubtedly going to find is a bit more interesting.

I really am just a very long bit of spaghetti human…is the human body equipped to survive this?

Maybe I’m just evolving really fast. That’s totally how evolution works. I can probably breathe vacuum if I try really really hard.

I’m going to need an awfully long spaceship to rescue me. Maybe they can squish me down.

I should probably have finished reading that hard SF book about black holes I got bored with, I bet it would tell me what to do.

Oh, there’s an alien waving at me from inside the black hole! I think it’s offering me a cup of tea. Maybe everything’s going to be okay after all.

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